Tuesday, November 24, 2009

This isn't goodbye.

You're leaving me. Slowly. Bit by bit. Day by day. You're good at goodbye's, it seems for your silent departure appears to come with such ease. Maybe our parting is just as sorrowful for you as it is for me but I'm much too afraid to ask. I guess I'll never know.

I worked very hard to get you. To keep you. But I guess deep down we both knew that we couldn't stay together forever. Something or someone would eventually get in the way. I think we always knew that our relationship would be touch and go. On again ,off again. You're fickle. You always have been and you always will be. The slightest move in the wrong direction and you're ready to flee. But I'm tenacious. And as soon as I felt the shift I would get to work and earn you back. I would do what I needed to do to keep you. But this time I know I've got to let you go. For now.

This is a good time for our break-up, I guess. I'm thinking about the upcoming holliday season. It will be nice not to have to give you a second thought as I'm enjoying my time with family, friends and the season's festivities. I won't be worried about how my actions could possibly hurt you. When I look back on last year I only remember the stress and guilt that you induced in me. Always questioning my actions and making me pay for it later. This year I am free of that. No limitations.

Of course, that's just me putting on a strong facade. I will miss you terribly. I don't like who I am without you. You make me feel good about myself. You keep me in line. You motivate me to be better. You give me confidence. With you in my life I enjoy getting ready to face each new day. Now that you're leaving I dread even getting dressed each new day.

There is another relationship here that is more important than ours, though. I have to remember that. There is someone else that needs my nurturing. My love. My attention. And I know this someone will not be the flight risk that you've always been. This new someone will be here to stay. Will love me forever. No matter my faults. No matter my weaknesses. That is something that I need right now. I think you understand all this even better than I do. Which is why you are leaving without a fuss. Which makes me love you even more.

But be warned. I do intend to earn you back. This is just a temporary thing. I kow that you can never stray too far from me. I will always know where to find you. And when I do you will have no hope of resisitng me. Go free. Enjoy the time away. Because once I get you back, you're never going anywhere again.

So goodbye for now, Waistline. I'll miss you. See you next year!

Monday, November 9, 2009


I'm trying to play a game of catch up here so this will be a cornucopia post about what we've been up to lately.

Labwork and pre-surgery bloodwork.......... $50

Anesthesia.......... $115

Removal of 2 tumors(probably malignant).......... $130

Fluids, hospitalization, and take home meds.......... $70

A happy, healthier dog (that doesn't have a tumor hanging from his chest that looks like a long, black, flat, disgusting dangly nipple).......... PRICELESS

Bodi has one more tumor on his elbow that the vet said we could remove but it would require removing his whole leg. The poor dog is already 84 years old (in dog years). We prefer that he enjoy his last days on 4 stable legs rather than turning him into a geriatric tripod.

Halloween was a cinch this year despite the 4 different days I had to dress up the kids for their various parties, parades, etc. One dirtbiker, a zombie dirtbiker, and a white ninja and we called it a holliday. Halloween morning began with an old, nosy neighbor stopping by to offer some input on how to raise my children. I know he's from the old school and I know it takes a village but.... he's not a part of my village. My ego is still trying to get over it's resentment toward him. He purchased some See's Candy for our school fundraiser and that should be enough to redeem him but I'm still trying to get over it. Luckily I had a running date with a friend so I had 10 miles to blow off some steam and vent. We accidentally ran 12 miles. Trunk or Treat was fun. For the first time that I can remember there was music, a cakewalk, and a parade! Fun. Ward Activity Chairperson.... if you're reading this.... which I know you are..... next year Halloween falls on a Sunday. Wouldn't it be fun to have a family dance after the Trunk or Treat? Please? Pretty please?

My little brother is now a Daddy. Oh... she is the most precious little thing. And I love how he looks at her when he holds her. Not that he got to hold her too much when I was there. I think I was quite the baby hog. I've always known Drake would be a good dad. Everytime I had a new baby he would just sit and hold them and snuggle them. And I don't think I ever changed a diaper when he was around. He's a real man.... doesn't mind if they're wet or poopy, he'll change 'em all.

Now my kids have some cousins on my side of the family. And I have to take a moment to give some props to my brother. He's a very hard worker and has a goal to keep mom home with baby which I know is a very tough thing in this economy. I've seen him grow in leaps and bounds the last 5 years or so. We're 7 years apart and I'm looking forward to experiencing our relationship evolve and grow now that he has a little one of his own.

We've recently announced to family & friends that we are expecting Baby #4. It took us a while to get to this point. There were highs and lows. Tears and prayers. Long talks and eternal silence. But our prayers have been answered in just such a way that we know that this is God's will for our family. It would have been so easy to move into the next stage of life, especially with our youngest child being 4 years old, and we almost did just that. But Heavenly Father has a plan for us and I'm grateful that our faith in Him and our desire to do what he would have us do is stronger than our logical fears and concerns. And I'm grateful for those around us who are instruments in His hands who help us see beyond what our own human eyes can see. Like Brandon has said..."Don't ever let anyone think we are not high adventure people. Having a baby in a recession? It doesn't get any more high adventure than that." But everything will be okay. It will all work out.

All is well.